Kyky, Week the 9th

Wow! I almost tied with Dell last week. I’m looking forward to taking on Hawnkngngsngs this week, and representing Kerry Baker well.

Hawnkgsgs: your father smells of elderberries!

I LOVE FALSUCKS over Kitties: Like Lem, I have a hard time picking the Falsucks. With my luck, Michael Vick will forget how to run like Michael Vick and start running like Greg Ostertag this week.

I LOVE RAVES over Bengholes: Raves are playing at home, and Bengholes are less impressive than they were at the beginning of the season. Chad Johnson looks like Dennis Rodman in the early days of the crazy. Who the hell would have thought that Wesley Snipes’ look in Demolition Man would have gotten so much mileage?

I LOVE BOYS over Skins: Where, oh where have the Bullets gone? I must admit that I’ve been less enthused about the Washington ball team since the name change. Though I think it would have been dynamite if they would have gone the other way and called the hockey team the Washington Rapists and the new baseball team the Washington Slaveholders.

I LOVE BISON over Puckers: Having an NBA team in either of these cities, with the winters they have, would be like having an NBA team in International Falls (incidentally their nickname would be the “Little Balls,” in honor of the inhumane shrinkage that goes on in IF). This game has “fantastic three-hour nap” written all over it.

I LOVE GMEN over Texis: Isaiah Thomas and Kevin McHale are in a neck-in-neck competition for worst NBA exec. of all time. True, the T-pups don’t have the salary or waste of bench that the ‘bockers do, but the fact that the T-pups have essentially imploded to the point where their banking on guys like Mike James and Ricky Davis (both alright, but not backbones of a team) is disheartening.

I LOVE RAMS over Chefs: No NBA references. Although, the Chefs are like Mizzou—always good enough to create some buzz, but never good enough to be a major player come the end of the season.

I LOVE BURRS over Finitos: Why do people, writers mostly, insist on using the (correct) singular form of words when refering to the Heat, Wild, Cardinal, et. al.? I realize it takes somebody special to name your team The Cardinal, but seriously, a story that reads, “The Heat is winning the division” just sounds dumb—as if some big guy named “The Heat” is winning the division. This is a team sport, and thus, when one is talking about the Miami Heat, one is talking about the players that make up the Heat team. Um…I think I’ve revealed too much of my nerdy side.

I LOVE BUCS over Righteous People: I don’t know about you, but I remember getting a ton of Anthony Avent cards when I used to collect. This was right around the time when Shaq was a popular member of the Orlando Magic (again with the friggin singular name!), so I’d catch a glimpse of a Magic uniform, only to be crestfallen that it was, in fact, Anthony Avent again. Also, I love that the Davises decided to skip all pretentions and name their son Baron. Were they hoping that the name would entail the title?

I LOVE JAGS over Tits: I’m shocked to find that Bryant Reeves is no longer in the NBA. With a body like that and such a charming personality (who here is with me on the Inside Stuff profile of Bryant Reeves?) I am floored that he isn’t still lacing ‘em up. I would love to see a Sports Illustrated “Where are they now?” piece on Bryant Reeves.

I LOVE VIKES over Niners: How the hell did Jerome Richardson ever get, and more importantly keep, the nickname “Pooh.” This either connotes the cuddly bear—not very masculine—or fecal matter—not very flattering or hygienic.

I LOVE BOLTS over Scat: Lebron James is going to own the NBA in 4.78 years. I won’t vouch for his acting skills, but he brings it night in and night out. He is essentially a carbon copy of Jordan, but that’s okay—I liked Jordan, too. I find it hard to wrap my head around the idea that he is younger than me—and I’m the youngest of the WDYL crowd by a mile. Sick.

I LOVE BRONCS over Steel: The old Nuggets uniforms looked like a gay pride version of an abstract cityscape. Though they’re not the worst NBA unis of all time, they had to be among the most immasculating. Somehow it’s hard to take a team seriously when they’ve got a rainbow stripe across their chests.

I LOVE PATS over Colts: Leg, I think we can all agree that it’s time for you to stop sucking face with Larry Legend. For starters, you have a wife and kid at home who don’t get the proper attention because you’re out ogling some ‘NBA Superstars of the 80s’ video (on VHS, no less—have you no dignity?) Secondly, Larry Legend is getting a bit paunchy around the middle. True, he was a real-live legend, but he’s no longer on the Celts and, as you imply in your post, the Celts suck more than a wife who’s “too tired” for sex.

I LOVE S’HAWKS over Black death: Chris Mullen gave all white guys who wanted to look like black guys (but just looked whiter) hope. He was a damn fine player, and his flat-top rivaled that of my man Kenny Walker.