After lots of eating, sleeping and buying Seinfeld Season 6 on DVD for $20, I'm feeling good about Sunday.
I LOVE VIKES over Cards: How sweet it is that Denny Green is coming back to the Metro-toilet. How awesome would it be if people wore the "F*** You, Green" shirts that floated around Minnesota for a while after Norm Green moved the North Stars down to Dallas.
I LOVE PANTS over Skins: Because pants go over skin in real life. And because Jason Campbell is going to be decapitated by Julius Peppers.
I LOVE BENGHOLES over Shite: Chad Johnson has been playing out of his yellow-hued head lately. In a related story, police picked Johnson up on Wednesday, mistaking him for tax-evading movie star Wesley Snipes.
I LOVE J-E-T-S over Texis: New Yorkers are dumbstruck when they find out that Joe Namath is actually gay, and still wears pantyhose under his own volition.
I LOVE JAGS over Bison: Though it has nothing to do with this game, Chris Kaman and Sam Cassell make up the ugliest duo in the history of sports. Yikes!
I LOVE RIGHTEOUS PEOPLE over Falsucks: My hatred for the Falsucks continues. I hate the Falsucks like Peter hates awkward silence.
I LOVE RAVES over Steel: If we want to see the epitome of the "football player gone to seed" lifestyle, we merely have to look at Jerome Bettis. He should be called the RV.
I LOVE RUMS over Frisco burgers: I actually like Frisco sandwiches much more than rum, but I can't base all my decisions on outside preference.
I LOVE BOLTS over Raidahs: I heart LaDanian Tomlinson.
I LOVE BURRS over Pats: The game of the week. Pats are playing on new turf, and I think it'll take some getting used to for them. Can we call Roger Goodell and get a rule banning the "homeless guy" look from the sidelines? 'Ole Bill looks just stupid.
I LOVE TITS over G-men: This could be misconstrued in a variety of ways, but I'll stick to it.
I LOVE COLTS over Uggles: Even with McNabb, the Eagles only had a smallish chance. The Colts should take the cake on this one. Madden will choke on turducken and mastufams.
I LOVE S'HAWKS over Puckers: Seattle has truly become Vladivostok. The Puckers, used to ghastly weather, may actually do okay.
I made my own "F*** You, Green MOD" shirt that I'll be wearing all day tomorrow. I'll wear a sport coat over it to church.
Saturday, November 25, 2006
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
Turkducken with BUTTER - Week 12
Well as this has gone on I've had many mentions, but to my dismay no rant points. Alas, a bright star shines in the distance. This week Leg listed to formula to a pointworthy rant, so with-out any further delay...
A little pop culture:
Inspired by OJ Simpson I wrote a couple new books this week. To my mom I gave my new book titled "The Cookie I didn't take from the jar and how I would have taken and eaten the cookie, had I actually done it." For my little brother Alex I wrote the book, "Remember the time we were playing Madden and you were beating me, so I didn't take out all your starters and replace them with back-ups while you were at the bathroon, but if I did this is how I would have done it." It felt good to get those un-confessions, not off my chest.
Mention Throw-up:
There is nothing funnier than watching a cat puke. Think of the last time you saw a cat work-up a hairball or any random puke and sit back and laugh at that agonizing heave.
Cite an 80s band:
I feel the need to mention the solo hit Rock-me Amedeaus, by 80s rock stand-out Falco. If you haven't heard it make arrangements. I also challenge you to remember Rick Assley wearing a nice tight pair of Marty McFly style tapered jeans. Are tapered pants sexy or what? When worn tight enough people can see your junk and also the top of your hightop shoes.
Make fun of Peter:
Hey Peter remember that time that me you and T were doing Jedi training push-ups in Bethel. It was very clear that you weren't strong in the force at all. You probably have only 3 or 4 Medaclorines. I feel sorry for you that Yoda will probably never promote you from Padawan. The Jedi-knights get all the lightsaber action and babes. Sux to be you.
Reference the Buf:
The Buf has been a no-show for a few weeks in a row which can mean only 1 thing: Applebees brought back half-price appetizers. Maybe if we all put a call into Applebees we can get them to take away this delicious offer we can fanagle a rant out of Buf about his "brain-like" nipples.
FINS
COWBOYS - the flappin jaws are lovin the cowboys now after the big win, but give them a couple weeks and they'll lose another game they should have won at the last second. As the pressure mounts on Tony Romo while he tries to juggle being the QB of ego-land and running a restaraunt, even if it is "the place for ribs"
BRONCOS - This a game that could go both ways, can you go both ways too?
RAMS
VIKES - I don't know why I'm picking a team that can't score, but it just seem like they should win.
PANTHERS
BENGALS
JETS
JAGS
SAINTS - with the pass rush the Falcons are getting these days Mophats would look Micheal Vick ellusive against them
STEELERS - upset pick. look for the Steelers to get hot again. Not Arby's 5 for $5 hot, but still pretty hot
CHARGERS
GIANTS
BEARS - the pats can really bring it and look scary good at times, and at other times it seems like Belly-check is too busy playing Paperboy for NES. They'll be a tuff test for the Bears. Why isn't this game on at 8???
COLTS - McNabb is out... the Eagles McSeason is McDone
SEAHAWKS
End Stong:
It's Thanksgiving and I think we should take a moment and toast John Madden for Turkducken. That delicious looking turkey that madden named as only he can. Instead of naming it some kind of name that indicates what it is, madden decided it's best described as a turkey (which it is) and a duck (which has nothing to do with it). I love Madden for that. I also love how he whores himself out to a football game year after year, how he played football and rides in the Madden bus hundreds of miles across the country every week, but shivers in his man-thong at the thought of flying. Madden this Turkducken is for you. I can't wait to have some Hamducken in Christmas.
A little pop culture:
Inspired by OJ Simpson I wrote a couple new books this week. To my mom I gave my new book titled "The Cookie I didn't take from the jar and how I would have taken and eaten the cookie, had I actually done it." For my little brother Alex I wrote the book, "Remember the time we were playing Madden and you were beating me, so I didn't take out all your starters and replace them with back-ups while you were at the bathroon, but if I did this is how I would have done it." It felt good to get those un-confessions, not off my chest.
Mention Throw-up:
There is nothing funnier than watching a cat puke. Think of the last time you saw a cat work-up a hairball or any random puke and sit back and laugh at that agonizing heave.
Cite an 80s band:
I feel the need to mention the solo hit Rock-me Amedeaus, by 80s rock stand-out Falco. If you haven't heard it make arrangements. I also challenge you to remember Rick Assley wearing a nice tight pair of Marty McFly style tapered jeans. Are tapered pants sexy or what? When worn tight enough people can see your junk and also the top of your hightop shoes.
Make fun of Peter:
Hey Peter remember that time that me you and T were doing Jedi training push-ups in Bethel. It was very clear that you weren't strong in the force at all. You probably have only 3 or 4 Medaclorines. I feel sorry for you that Yoda will probably never promote you from Padawan. The Jedi-knights get all the lightsaber action and babes. Sux to be you.
Reference the Buf:
The Buf has been a no-show for a few weeks in a row which can mean only 1 thing: Applebees brought back half-price appetizers. Maybe if we all put a call into Applebees we can get them to take away this delicious offer we can fanagle a rant out of Buf about his "brain-like" nipples.
FINS
COWBOYS - the flappin jaws are lovin the cowboys now after the big win, but give them a couple weeks and they'll lose another game they should have won at the last second. As the pressure mounts on Tony Romo while he tries to juggle being the QB of ego-land and running a restaraunt, even if it is "the place for ribs"
BRONCOS - This a game that could go both ways, can you go both ways too?
RAMS
VIKES - I don't know why I'm picking a team that can't score, but it just seem like they should win.
PANTHERS
BENGALS
JETS
JAGS
SAINTS - with the pass rush the Falcons are getting these days Mophats would look Micheal Vick ellusive against them
STEELERS - upset pick. look for the Steelers to get hot again. Not Arby's 5 for $5 hot, but still pretty hot
CHARGERS
GIANTS
BEARS - the pats can really bring it and look scary good at times, and at other times it seems like Belly-check is too busy playing Paperboy for NES. They'll be a tuff test for the Bears. Why isn't this game on at 8???
COLTS - McNabb is out... the Eagles McSeason is McDone
SEAHAWKS
End Stong:
It's Thanksgiving and I think we should take a moment and toast John Madden for Turkducken. That delicious looking turkey that madden named as only he can. Instead of naming it some kind of name that indicates what it is, madden decided it's best described as a turkey (which it is) and a duck (which has nothing to do with it). I love Madden for that. I also love how he whores himself out to a football game year after year, how he played football and rides in the Madden bus hundreds of miles across the country every week, but shivers in his man-thong at the thought of flying. Madden this Turkducken is for you. I can't wait to have some Hamducken in Christmas.
Week 12 - MoPhats
Happy Thanksgiving to all---- Get Your Sweatpants out and enjoy two of the best things in life Food and Football...
Hey tim, member when i would beat the crap out of you on the basketball court and you would get really pissed off at me? Yea you sucked at picking games back then too...
Dolphins over Lions
Cowboys over Bucs
Cheifs over Broncos - UPSET
Viks over Cards - going to be close
Panthers over Skins
Bengals over Browns
Texans over Jets: jets are shell shocked after Da Bears
Jags over Bills
Saints over Falcons
Ravens over Steelers
9ers over Rams
Charges over Raiders
Da Bears over Pats - Sorry Lards, it's gonna happen, death to brady
Giants over Titians
Colts over Eagles
Hey tim, member when i would beat the crap out of you on the basketball court and you would get really pissed off at me? Yea you sucked at picking games back then too...
Dolphins over Lions
Cowboys over Bucs
Cheifs over Broncos - UPSET
Viks over Cards - going to be close
Panthers over Skins
Bengals over Browns
Texans over Jets: jets are shell shocked after Da Bears
Jags over Bills
Saints over Falcons
Ravens over Steelers
9ers over Rams
Charges over Raiders
Da Bears over Pats - Sorry Lards, it's gonna happen, death to brady
Giants over Titians
Colts over Eagles
Thanksgiving Taco style
Ok ok this week is going to be really lame, I have to appologize. I have a few things to get done tonight and I am running in the Turket Trot tomorrow morning, so you will get the picks and a brief question to anyone who may have recently seen the Buffet than the quick picks. Has anyone seen the Buf?
To the picks:
Motor City Kitties
Boys
B'cos
Bungles
Jags
Edgar Allan Poe
Saintly figures
Black Cats
Rams
Vikes (Is this game worse than the Lions/Fins?... It is quite possibly so. Atleast Larry Fitzgerald is coming home. He called and asked me for a ride to the Dome).
Planes
Bolts
Patriotic Men
Remember the Titans
Horses
Dirty Sea Birds
Have a great Thanksgiving everyone!
To the picks:
Motor City Kitties
Boys
B'cos
Bungles
Jags
Edgar Allan Poe
Saintly figures
Black Cats
Rams
Vikes (Is this game worse than the Lions/Fins?... It is quite possibly so. Atleast Larry Fitzgerald is coming home. He called and asked me for a ride to the Dome).
Planes
Bolts
Patriotic Men
Remember the Titans
Horses
Dirty Sea Birds
Have a great Thanksgiving everyone!
Kyky v.12.1
I'm going to split up my picks this week between the Thanksgiving games and the Sunday games. I have no good reason for this other than general laziness on a Wednesday evening.
I LOVE LOINS over Fins: Who doesn't remember the writers of Home Improvement throwing in the token Detroit Lions reference every now and again. I think Tim even went to a game (and shut off the stadium's power) during a Thanksgiving episode one year. By the end of the 3rd quarter, we're going to wish the power were off.
I LOVE BOYS over Bucs: "Extra! Extra! TO not sending Donovan a get-well text message!" This was essentially the headline that appeared on ESPN.com the other day. Who the hell cares? Is ESPN so infatuated with TO that it feels the need to cover his text messaging exploits? Good grief. The Boys are just better--and they're at home.
I LOVE CHEFS over Bacos: Not even the Justice League could beat the Chefs at Arrowhead.
Be safe out there on what Michael Richards would call 'Afro-American' Friday.
I LOVE LOINS over Fins: Who doesn't remember the writers of Home Improvement throwing in the token Detroit Lions reference every now and again. I think Tim even went to a game (and shut off the stadium's power) during a Thanksgiving episode one year. By the end of the 3rd quarter, we're going to wish the power were off.
I LOVE BOYS over Bucs: "Extra! Extra! TO not sending Donovan a get-well text message!" This was essentially the headline that appeared on ESPN.com the other day. Who the hell cares? Is ESPN so infatuated with TO that it feels the need to cover his text messaging exploits? Good grief. The Boys are just better--and they're at home.
I LOVE CHEFS over Bacos: Not even the Justice League could beat the Chefs at Arrowhead.
Be safe out there on what Michael Richards would call 'Afro-American' Friday.
Week 12 - Gobblemod
Miami vs. Detroit - I love WDYL alum Joey Harrington and the Dolphins this week over the Lions. You guys remember last year at the WDYL Christmas party when Joey let one go while we were posing for this picture. That son of a gun had some wrecked gas that night and you can see Lars getting the first whiff. Way to be a trooper Lars.
Tampa Bay vs. Dallas - I love the Cowboys to keep on rolling against the Bucs. So Tony Romo is supposedly seeing Jessica Simpson. If you thought Bill Parcells was tough in bed, wait until you get ahold of Jessica Mr. Romo.
Denver vs. Kansas City - I love the Chiefs over the Broncos. I can never predict the Chiefs right. So I'm actually going against what I think will happen here and hoping it turns out gold.
Carolina vs. Washington - I love the Panthers this week over the Skins.
Pittsburgh vs. Baltimore - I love the Ravens to stick a fork in the Steelers.
New Orleans vs. Atlanta - I love the Saints to be less crappy on defense than the Falcons.
Jacksonville vs. Buffalo - I love the Jags this week over the Bills. I feel like picking the Jags is getting right up their with the Falcons. Who knows anymore. Buffalo is proud to present in honor of OJ Simpson, the "We never won a Super Bowl, but if we did.. here's how we would celebrate" fan night. Must be fun to be a Bills fan.
Arizona vs. Minnesota - I love the Vikings to get a win and perhaps their last win over the hapless Cardinals. Alright, stomping on the Vikings when they are down isn't the best thing to talk about so I won't.
Houston vs. NY Jets - I love the Jets to rebound over the Texans. What the Tex is wrong with Houston, I hate them.
Cincinnati vs. Cleveland - I love the Bengals over the Browns this week. Palmer and Johnson both wake up but they were playing two of the worst pass defenses in the league. The poop stains at least are somewhat respectable on D...... (pause)....... not.
San Francisco vs. St. Louis - I love the 49'ers over the Rams. Looks like losing Pace for the year is gonna hurt the Rams a whole lot. Getting shut out shouldn't happen with the weapons they have on offense.
Oakland vs. San Diego - Chargers over the Raiders in the no-brainer selection of the week.
NY Giants vs. Tennessee - This could be a tricky game but I think the Giants will get their act together here against the Tits.
Chicago vs. New England - Best test for the Bears all year, which means the best Bears victory all year.
Philadelphia vs. Indianapolis - Gotta love the Colts here. Sucks for NBC as they switched to this game thinking that McNabb vs. Peyton would be a sweet game... well not anymore.
Green Bay vs. Seattle - I love the Seahawks this week over the Packers. Looks like Hasselbeck and Alexander are both back now... (sarcasm) Print those super bowl tickets!!(sarcasm)
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
Weak 12 Picks...and I DO mean "weak".
Hello, everybody! We're well into the meat grinder part of the season, the part where making our picks can become a chore, as opposed to a joy. Stay strong! (This coming from the guy who's missed at least three or four weeks of picks.)
So, here I go, being disciplined. Plus, I like you Lars, and I know that you're the only guy who reads my picks, because they're boring and not that good. Remember the good old days when I would put time into my rants?
Detroit over Miami
Dallas over Tampa Bay
Denver over Kansas City
Cincinnati over Cleveland
Jacksonville over Buffalo
Pittsburgh over Baltimore
New Orleans over Atlanta
Washington over Carolina
St. Louis over San Francisco
Minnesota over Arizona
NY Jets over Houston
San Diego over Oakland
New England over Chicago
Tennessee over NY Giants
Indianapolis over Philadelphia
And finally,
Seattle over Green Bay
Peace...and Lars, keep loving your wife.
Nater
So, here I go, being disciplined. Plus, I like you Lars, and I know that you're the only guy who reads my picks, because they're boring and not that good. Remember the good old days when I would put time into my rants?
Detroit over Miami
Dallas over Tampa Bay
Denver over Kansas City
Cincinnati over Cleveland
Jacksonville over Buffalo
Pittsburgh over Baltimore
New Orleans over Atlanta
Washington over Carolina
St. Louis over San Francisco
Minnesota over Arizona
NY Jets over Houston
San Diego over Oakland
New England over Chicago
Tennessee over NY Giants
Indianapolis over Philadelphia
And finally,
Seattle over Green Bay
Peace...and Lars, keep loving your wife.
Nater
Sunday, November 19, 2006
Mod - Week 11
Ravens
Texans
Bears
Saints
Dolphins
Patriots
Chiefs
Steelers
Panthers
Eagles
Bucs
Lions
Seahawks
Colts
Broncos
Jags
Texans
Bears
Saints
Dolphins
Patriots
Chiefs
Steelers
Panthers
Eagles
Bucs
Lions
Seahawks
Colts
Broncos
Jags
Kyky - Week 11
The NFL has been crazy this year--and not the good kind of crazy. I've heard many of the 'mediocre-players-turned-mediocre-analysts' tout the parity of the league, but parity isn't necessarily a good thing. The reason there's parity is every team other than the Colts (and maybe the Bears) is more inconsistent than a grandma who forgets to take her fiber and prune juice. Oh well--I guess that makes picking more of a challenge.
Larson: I'm going to own you like Democrats owned the Republicans on election day.
RAVES over Falsuckers: I'm damn close to picking against the Falsucks for the rest of the year.
TEXIS over Bison: This will be like TomKat's wedding on Saturday: they don't have any legitimate friends, so they have to pay big-time celebs to pay attention to them.
BURRS over j-e-t-s: Even if the wrong Sexy Rexy shows up, the Burrs should have this well in hand. Mangini can't lead the Jets to wins over the Pats and Bears on consecutive weeks.
BENG-HOLES over Righteous People
VIKES over Finitos
PATS over Puckers
CHEFS over Raidahs: If the Raidahs win at Arrowhead, I'm quitting Pick 'Em for the rest of the season. Even good teams can't win at Arrowhead.
STEEL over Shite
PANTS over Ramoids
UGGLES over Tits
BUCS over Skins: The Skins don't have Portis or Moss, and they're starting Jason Campbell. The Bucs, though, are starting Gradkowski. Yep, this has all the excitement of a romantic comedy between Tony Danza and Joan Cusack.
CARDS over Loins The only reason I would be happy with a Lions win is if Denny Green comes out and punches a microphone and says, "The Lions were who we thought they were!" after the game.
S'HAWKS over Niners
COLTS over Boys: Two things are likely: 1)It'll be a close game and 2) Bill Parcells will look pudgy in his ridiculously unflattering windbreaker.
BRONCS over Bolts: NBC is making other networks look silly with their flex scheduling brilliance.
JAGS over G-Men: Everybody on the G-men defense is injured, and the Jags are playing at home.
Larson: I'm going to own you like Democrats owned the Republicans on election day.
RAVES over Falsuckers: I'm damn close to picking against the Falsucks for the rest of the year.
TEXIS over Bison: This will be like TomKat's wedding on Saturday: they don't have any legitimate friends, so they have to pay big-time celebs to pay attention to them.
BURRS over j-e-t-s: Even if the wrong Sexy Rexy shows up, the Burrs should have this well in hand. Mangini can't lead the Jets to wins over the Pats and Bears on consecutive weeks.
BENG-HOLES over Righteous People
VIKES over Finitos
PATS over Puckers
CHEFS over Raidahs: If the Raidahs win at Arrowhead, I'm quitting Pick 'Em for the rest of the season. Even good teams can't win at Arrowhead.
STEEL over Shite
PANTS over Ramoids
UGGLES over Tits
BUCS over Skins: The Skins don't have Portis or Moss, and they're starting Jason Campbell. The Bucs, though, are starting Gradkowski. Yep, this has all the excitement of a romantic comedy between Tony Danza and Joan Cusack.
CARDS over Loins The only reason I would be happy with a Lions win is if Denny Green comes out and punches a microphone and says, "The Lions were who we thought they were!" after the game.
S'HAWKS over Niners
COLTS over Boys: Two things are likely: 1)It'll be a close game and 2) Bill Parcells will look pudgy in his ridiculously unflattering windbreaker.
BRONCS over Bolts: NBC is making other networks look silly with their flex scheduling brilliance.
JAGS over G-Men: Everybody on the G-men defense is injured, and the Jags are playing at home.
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