Warning: Mysobol is not for everybody

I'm pleased that I beat MOD last week, but I've gotta move past that and take it one day at a time. Last week's win doesn't mean anything come kickoff this week. I play to win every week, and I can't take any opponent lightly. Apparently I'm playing against Mysobol Man this week. I'm going to school you, Mysobol (whoever you are). Mysobol sounds like a drug that has side effects of stomach cramps, eye bleeding, adam's apple swelling, hair loss, perpetual diarrhea, and impotence.

I LOVE BISON over Kittens: It's tempting to pick the Kittens to get their first win against a mediocre (at best) Buffalo team, but I'm not going to soccumb to that temptation.

I LOVE RAVES over Pants: The Baltimore defense is too strong. Plus, a raven can poke a panther's eyes out in real life. Pesky little buggers.

I LOVE BENG-HOLES over Bucs: Though Gradkowski looked 'alright' last week, and though the Beng-hole defense isn't terribly strong, the Beng-hole offense is just too much. 'Beng-hole' makes me think of Beavis & Butthead--a largely worthless show.

I LOVE BOYS over Texis: I hope Drew Bledsoe throws a pass and it hits TO in the face and his face explodes. Much like Leg's suggestion of ESPNLidle, ESPNTO has actually been up and running for years. Get him the hell off my TV screen, and the hell out of my newspapers. My distaste for TO notwithstanding, the Texis suck.

I LOVE FALCORS over G-men: Falcors are coming off the bye week and G-men are coming off a big win over the Skins. But the home field advantage can be big.

I LOVE UGLIES over Saints: The Saints are good, but the Eagles are better.

I LOVE RUMS over S'HAWKS: Rums are the sexy pick of the moment--and I'm falling for it.

I LOVE SKINS over Tits: Generally this is a push (as skin can equal tits), but tits are just too inexperienced to handle the Skins. I'd absolutely love it if this site showed up on a google search for tits. WDYL: Thwarting perverts and making poop jokes.

I LOVE STEEL over Tribals: Rodeoburger HAS to have a decent game. He just HAS to. I think the Steel defense is too much for the Chefs behind Huard.

I LOVE J-E-T-S over Finitos: The Fins must already be looking at next year's draft. Boy is their face red that they picked up the fumble-ception king and started him too early. Jets are looking so-so, but so-so beats awful as dog poop.

I LOVE BOLTS over Opportunists: Phil Rivers is coming into his own, and Tomlinson had a slow week last week (damn you, Tomlinson!)--he's going to be mad as hell and he's not going to take this anymore.

I LOVE BRONCS over Death: Normally, I would choose death, but Al Davis has beaten death at its own game--and looks scarier than death. And as Tony Kornheiser keeps reminding us, the Offensive Coordinator just came out of running a bed & breakfast.

I LOVE BURRS over Curds: Because this is a no-brainer, I'd like to present a quote from the estimable Tobias Funke of 'Arrested Development' (You should watch it if you haven't yet.) [Tobias has used up a spa package by testing everything out] "Well, yes, but I’m afraid I prematurely shot my wad on what was supposed to be a dry run, if you will, so now I’m afraid I have something of a mess on my hands." Epic.

Taco 6

Looking at the stats, it looks as if the Baker division is the MLB American league central everyone except for the Royals are good, and even the Royals are a decent team, and will make a late charge in order to play spoiler. As for Wass… How is the Buffet in third place? Maybe some folks should try his strategy and not pick for a week, and see if that helps. Speaking of the Buff, is this the earliest that he has been out?

OK big picks last week; let’s have at it again.

-I love the Bills to rebound against Detroit. This was a very tempting pick for me to pick the motor city kitties first win, but they have too many injuries, and I think that the Bills are just a better team. The game between the Vikes and the Lions last week should never have been that close, but the Vikes offense is really not very good. Bills by 1

-I love the Ravens to rebound at home against the black cats. This should be a good game, and I have a feeling that no one is going to score, but since we get no points for ties I am going to pick the Ravens because Ray Lewis will kill someone making it 11-10, thus shifting the advantage to Baltimore. Ravens by ¼ of a point.

-I love Hotlanta at home against the men.

-I love the Boys to rebound in a big way at home for the battle of the Lone Star state. I hope that I get to see Terrell Owens in this game; I never can get any press coverage on that guy. Boys by 21

-I love the inappropriate American Indian references to bury remember the Titans.

-I love the striped cats to come off the bye fresh and able and take care of business against the winless and punch less Tampa team. Direct line to Johnny boy and the Bucs: “What the hell were you thinking coming into the year with these QB’s? I mean with all the talent that was (and still is) on the free agent market… Mike McMahon, Josh McCown, Craig Nall, J.T. O’Sullivan, Kordell Stewart, and Seneca Wallace. Come on, these are some gems. Cinci by 10.

-I love the Patriotic birds to it done on the road against the Saints. I can’t yet buy into the Saints. I think that they are still playing on emotion. I don’t think that the Patriotic birds are that good either, but I’m taking the lesser of two losers. Birds by 3.

-I have to pick the dirty sea birds on the road because of how pathetic they looked in their last game. They flat out sucked. The Bears made them all their bitches. Even without Alexander, I like the Dirty Sea Birds by 3.

-I like the planes over the Fins. Culpepper is looking real good down their at South Beach. He’s out partying a lot and hooking up with a lot of strippers… I mean receivers. I like the Planes by 10.

-I like the inappropriate Steel workers union references to get it done against the other inappropriate American Indian references. The Unions are at home and they suck so far this year, so they will win by 5.

-I love the Bolts to get it done in the City by the Bay. 9ers are really bad + Bolts are really good and have two dynamic offense players and a dominate defense = Tim’s Penis and a Bolts win.

-There is no one I like more this week than the B’cos. I was watching the Office last night, and I saw a commercial for Sunday night football where they were showing scenes from “Raider Nation” and one of these dudes was grocery shopping all decked out in his Raider gear, and than the Bus came on to pump up the game and Pink was singing. Ok is all that really necessary? I know that they are trying to find some way for people to watch this pathetic game (I heard they were running a promo that if you watch the entire game, John Madden will come to your house on his Bus and eat your first born), but is this really the way to do. First of all is there anyone who is sober who is part of Raider nation this year? Second of all will they be in Denver. We will inevitably see some, which will give everyone the opportunity to collectively laugh our asses off at those idiots in silly costumes. Denver by 1 million points.

-Finally the game o’ da week for many WDYL’ers. I have racked my brain on this one and an upset would seem like a good thing to pick on this game. The Red Birds are an underachieving team, and looking for a big win. However Fitz junior is out, and the Bears are unfortunately really good. Bears by 20 on National TV

Week 6 - MoPhats

Lards, please review your week 4 scores... MOD and i tied.

Lions over Bills: Lions are pretty bad but bills are worse
Baltimore over Carolina
Cincinnati over Bucs: 6-0 for the bucs, thats gotta hurt
Dallas over Houston: as much as i hate TO
Falcons over Giants: elli needs to watch some tape of big brother
Eagles over Saints
Hawks over Rams
Skins over Titans
Steelers over Chefs
Jets over Phins
Chargers over 9ers
Denver over Raiders
Bears dominate Cards: man this could get ugly for the Cards...

Butter - 6

Looks like this week I face up against Destructicon himself. Destructicon would be MOD's name if he were a Transformer and that's what I'm going to call him from now on because his ability to destroy is machine-like. MOD, I love you and I hope we get to hang out and play some tackle football in the mud when I come up in a couple of weeks. You're good at passing in basketball. You should however be penalized a rant point and suffer -3 awareness hit for the rest of this football season for not realizing it's week 6. I guess we'll see what happens this week when the destructor meets destruction.

Tim, I can't empasize enough the brilliant use of the Corey Paus name (Lincoln-Way High/UCLA stand-out at QB). I'd like to request that every week you insert into your rant a Corey Paus anecdote. Ya know, tell great stories like the cool things you saw him do in school and the chicks he hooked up w/.

I write the rants this week from a hotel in Buffalo, NY. Let me just say that the city is demoralized from the terrible loss served up by the Bears. It has been raining and hailing all day. With-out further adue:

DALLAS will mop up over Houston. I propose that they make a TO channel on TV that just runs TO stories round the clock and all the other stations aren't allowed to mention and specific TO stories. I'm so sick of quality football programs like NFL live wasting half the show talking TO. SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP.

EAGLES over saints. I heard that Donavan rebeled against the Team Momma last year and didn't eat his Chunky Soup. Fortunately, this year he's eating it again.

RAMS over s-hawks. This is my upset pick. The hawks a good team, but the rams aren't bad and are at home. Doesn't Hasselback look like a comp. science major. Can I get a witness?

GIANTS over falcons. The falcon's really aren't that good, I promise. They are one dimensional. Shut down the run and they're done. Vick is a good quarterBLACK, but not a good quarterBACK. Elijah will chuck the ball all over the field.

SKINS over tenn. They'll play this game shirts vs. Skins instead of w/ uniforms.

BILLS over the cowardly lion. JP Loose-man will have a nice day agains the loosey-goosey Lions D.

RAVENS over pants. Hard one to call here because I don't think the ravens o can post good numbers. I love the McAllister - Smith match-up. Jamal Lewis runs like a piece of remote controlled poop this year.

BENGALS over bucs. Chad will score a touchdown and dance and sing "walk like an egyptian," by 80s rock sensation the Bengals. Then he'll score another and sing "Eternal Flame" while slow dancing with Carson. I can understand the bucs o, but what happened to the D.

CHARGERS over the san francisco treat. That's right, this week the Chargers will be playing against a big kettle of hot fresh Rice-a-roni. The chargers with prevail over the delicious dinner 20-17.

PITT-STAINS over kc. The steele curtain is more of a thin, transparent shower drape this year, but they'll win and Big Ben will crash his bike into a maneur truck after the game trying to catch McFly.

JET over the dolls. I don't know why, but I guess an o line is just one of those things you need in football. A-hem, hint, hint.

BRONKITIS over oakie-rah-rahs. raiders, please throw the ball to Diet Pepsi Machine. He can make plays with the ball in his dispencer, just get him the ball. If you don't throw his the ball he'll go somewhere that another QB will.

DITKA-REX-URLACHER-SHUFFLIN-#1 OFFENSE AND DEFENSE over the cards. The bears have a player named Bernard. Isn't that great. Seriously though, do you guys this that if the Bears win it all this year they should record the Superbowl Shuffle again at the end of it? seriously, i want some input here. Lovie Smith, coach of the year. Tommie Harris D - MVP. Jamal Williams Def - rookie of the year. Rex - MVP. Did that get all you bear haters adequately pissed or should I continue? I admit I'll be a bit disappointed if it's not a 16-0 season and really so if it's not 14-2 or better. I want them to be a 95 or better overall team in Madden 08.

Week 5 - MOD

I like the Lions to get in the W column against the Bills. The Lions are worse than I thought if they lose this game at home.

I love the Panthers over the Ravens. Tough game here but Lards hit it right on the head... Panthers blow up this time of year after everybody says they suck.

I love the Bengals over the Bucs this week. Bengals are a bit overrated but the Bucs being bad is something that isn't.

Cowboys over the Texans. The battle of Texas.

Giants over Atlanta! I hate Atlanta just because they have no passing game. It's like the guy who never passes in Madden and tries to control the clock. Hello, pass the damn ball, this game is boring enough already.

Eagles over the Saints this week in the Dome.

Seahawks over the Rams.

Fore-Skins over the Tits. Something right out of a XXX movie rental aisle here. Starring Clinton PorTITS and Andre "That's one big" JOHNSON.

Steelers rebound over the Native Americans.

Jets over the Dolphins. Gross, yuck, nasty.

Chargers over the IIIIIIIII'ers. No contest here, the 9ers need some more time.

Broncos over the Raidahs! I seriously think this may be the year for an 0-16 team. What better team to do it that Al Davis and the Raiders!

Bears over Cardinals. 40-0 again? Why not, Leinart get officially welcomed to the NFL. Goodbye Paris Hilton, Hello Rosie O'Donnell.

Week 6 B.E.

Buffalo at Detroit - I love the Bills. Are the Bills named after a bunch of guys named Bill? Is Bill a popular name in Buffalo?
Carolina at Baltimore - I love the Rav's. You gotta give it up for Warren Moon and the team that recieved a get out of jail free card from the NFL.
Cincinnati at Tampa Bay - I love the Bengals. I mean come on the Bengals are the best team in fo.. The Bengals are the second best team in football right now.
Houston at Dallas - I love Dallas. Big Civil war matchup down in Texas. I think that this one might divide the state.
N.Y. Giants at Atlanta - I love N.Y. I've gone against them every week and I feel the wind be changin'.
Philadelphia at New Orleans - I love the Eagles. The battle of awesome african QB's. This is probably going to be the most exciting game to watch on Sunday until Vick gets injuried for season.
Seattle at St. Louis - I love the Seahawks. Tennessee at Washington - I love the RedskinsKansas City at Pittsburgh - I love the SteelersMiami at N.Y. Jets - I love the JetsSan Diego at San Francisco - I love the ChargersOakland at Denver - I love DenverChicago at Arizona - I love Chicago. City of Champions. You've gotta love the leagues best offense facing up against the 29th ranked defense. I hope they call up Cory Paus out of the Practice squad to take some snaps.

Sorry

Dear WDYLer's,
I am so sorry for bashing the "Big Pick". For those of that you in the game that made big picks this week by picking Jacksonville to destroy the Jets or for the Chargers (lead by Phil R.) to beat the Steelers, I am very sorry for taking the honor of big pick away from you. All I ask, is that you bring back the "big pick" and feel free to grant me another hatch mark in the L-column whenever desired regardless of my picks. That's right Stromberg! I think you need to stop picking your butthole and start picking some better big picks! John Henry called and he said he wants you to make some better calls on big picks so he can lay some more train tracks down. The world is a vampire! Smear some mushroom flavored ketcup on your burger and dance, seabass.