Well the QB situation in Chicago has begun to tumble out of control and even a homer like me can see if this problem isn't rex-tified we'll make an early rex-it from the rex-offs. Sexy Rexy has lost his mojo. We all remember the display he put on in the beginning of the season and know what he can do. I think the Bears need to stick with him, the question is, can he find himself in time. This is kinda like that movie Mr. Baseball (1992) where Tom Selleck plays an aging baseball star who's lost all of his mana. So what does he do? Does he freak-out and shave his gorgeous 70s porn-star mustache? No, shaving the mustache is never the answer. He gets traded to a Japanese baseball team and becomes immersed in the eastern culture. He eats a lot of rice, takes some nice warm baths and makes love to an Asian woman while trying to win her father's approval by embracing the eastern way of life. He rediscovers his "chi" or as we westerners put it "mojo" and starts sluggin again. So what do we take from this? Here is what Rex must do to regain Sexy Rexy status:
1. Grow a mustache
2. Eat rice
3. Make love to an Asian woman
4. Try to make her father like him
5. Take baths
To sum it up, this is what he must do:
Problem solved. On to the picks:
STEALERZ beat the poops. Season's over, now it's time to beat the crap out of some weak teams.
RAVENS hit stick the chiefs. Looks like Jamal Lewis has discovered the "all new lead blocker feature in Madden 07." Netting him some extra yardage and great progression.
TENN. TIGHTS haudukan the houston toxins. Funny, ever since Haynesworth stomped on a man while he was on the ground the tights have been a much better team... coincidence... I think not. MOD, any thoughts on that?
CAROLINA PANTS-ERS steve smith the giants. If smith were any taller there'd be rules against him being in the league. Added bonus, the pants-ers have a QB controvery of their own. Doesn't feel so good, does it? Is it too late to coax Joe Theisman out of retirement? What if you offer him two Chalupas and a ball park frank with sweet relish?
CINCINASTY BURGLES will ocho cinco the raiders. The chance of the raiders offense showing up are about as good as those for getting Buffet to stop watching Saved by the Bell: The New Class reruns and laying down a quality rant.
SKINS will father a child and call him- eagles lose. Upset city here.
FALCONS lay a big mamma vick egg on the bucs.
PEYTON-PONIES will soil the jags. They'll get gashed for 220 rushing yards, but will win none the less
MINNESLOWTA DIKE-INGS will cross dress the lions. I think I've figured out that the vikes are just a poor man's version of the bears.
NEW ENGLAND PATRICKS will pat the fins in a firm, but loving way... and joey harrington will be all-right with that.
9ERS will melt the green-bay-farve-cheesers.
SEATTLE BEST COFFEE-HAWKS will brew up a special house blend of cardinal. I recommend they add some whipped creme to it too, because that's the best part and you've earned it.
BENNIE AND THE JETS will serve up some buffalo wild wings. The game will start with them throwing girlie punchs at each-other and won't be resolved till they resort to pulling hair and ripping each-other's blouses
BOLTS will fillet up some Jay Cutlet. The rookie QB will meet an angry black man who goes by Merry-man, who is juiced up with some hulkish power found within the human growth hormone. With his natural ability plus the cheater's drugs he'll be prancing around like the Juggernaut.
TERRELL ROMO-HOMOS will blow out the gentle breese. Should be an interesting match.
RUMBLIN TUMBLIN GRUMBLIN BEARS will sink their ferocious talons into the rammies. Remember the Hawaiian Punch commercials from back in the 80s. That huge pitcher of kool-aide that busts through the wall and says "oh-yeah." Of course you do. That will be Urlacher busting through walls in all his hawaiian punchy-ness. Making tackles all over the place and busting through Orlando Paces. OOOOOOOOOHHH YEEEAAH!
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