Week 1 - Kyky

Ah, the NFL Kickoff ‘Weekend.’ Since when does the weekend mean Thursday through Monday? Oh wait, isn’t that the ‘Cabin-friendly’ summer weekend in MN? Whatever. That’s the same hypocrisy that says that the Indianapolis Colts are in the AFC South.

I'd rather have your sister, Mophers. (Please don't headbutt me)

I LOVE FINS over Steelmen: The Fins are looking strong (if a little less mellow) since Ricky Williams left and Daunte Culpepper came in. Also, Ben Roethlisberger is starting to look like Martin Short’s character in the early 90’s epic “Pure Luck.”

I LOVE PANTS over Falcors

I LOVE BUCS over Blackbirds

I LOVE PATS over Bison: The Bills are in for a long season. Perhaps uber-fan Tim Russert can suit up and give McGahee some extra protection on the line.

I LOVE STRIPEYS over Chefs: Even though it was nice to see Palmer rip the Puckers a new one in the preseason, the games now count. I think he’ll be a bit tentative, but he’ll carry the team on pure moxie and handsomeness. I’d also like to see Herm Edwards cry.

I LOVE DODGE TRUCKS over Broncs

I LOVE POOP STAINS over Righteous People: Even though Reggie Bush is hyped almost as much as Suri ‘How the frick does she have more hair than Little ‘Q Legend?” Cruise, the other Righteous People just can’t cut it. That, and I heard Kellen Winslow has been silent. Now THAT should strike fear in the heart of even Paul, Peter, and Teresa of Avila.

I LOVE TITANICS over J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets, Jets: This game is going to be Sam-Cassell-Charlie-Villenueva-Chris-Berman ugly.

I LOVE UGGLES over Texans

I LOVE S’HAWKS over Lions: This is like picking Brian Williams over Katie Couric in a “Who’s more manly, more trustworthy, and just generally more ruggedly intelligent” match.

I LOVE BURRS over Puckers: A ‘Buffet fart’-bad offense against a ‘Watching a football game in your underwear’-good defense. I absolutely expect that Favre will retire after this game so he can go watch football on Sundays in his underwear.

I LOVE ‘BOYS over Jags

I LOVE RED-CARDS over Only team with numbers: Lots of red. Lots of young, promising talent. Lots of men who have fathered children in California.

I LOVE PEYTONS over Elis: This is going to be a rough and tumble affair between the Manning brothers. Look for the brothers to trade blows all game. After the game, the brothers Manning (and the brothers Barber) will grab some popcorn and watch Disney’s instant 2003 classic ‘Brother Bear.’ Cute.

I LOVE PURPLE over Native American Warriors: I’m actually going to be at this game, likely yelling inappropriate things about Zinedene Zidane’s sister. I think the ‘Skins are underestimating the Purple. The Purple are going to surprise some people this year. Brad Childress and Brad Johnson look like brothers.

I LOVE BOLTS over Raidahs