Week One Picks: Larson

Pittsburgh over Miami: Will Smith chart-topping singles of the same name aside, Miami will have a tough time handling Ben “Cadillac Face” Rothlisburger.

Baltimore over Tampa Bay: Tampa Gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Atlanta over Carolina: Nothing could be finer than a win at Carolina. I’ll stick with Vick. Falcons will beat everyone that they meet.

St. Louis over Denver: Kurt Warner, baby! From the grocery aisle to the top of the pile! (What? He’s on what team now? Oh…I should prolly change my pick then…)

New England over Buffalo: Geographically, as well as victorally.

Philadelphia over Houston: Carr’s no star…Eagles will nab…I mean “McNabb” this victory!

New Orleans at Cleveland: Reggie Bush will use his #2 draft pick slight as motivation to put up over 200 yards rushing against a porous Cleveland defense. Plus, I have no idea what the crap I’m saying.

Seattle over Detroit: Somewhere, the ghost of Kurt Cobain is kicking the crap out of the ghost of Henry Ford. Also, he’s watching reruns of his bass player try to catch his instrument with his head on live network television.

NY Jets over Tennessee: Joe Namath is predicting a victory. And making yet another drunken pass at an old and yellowed picture of Suzy Kolber that he clipped out of an old ESPN The Magazine magazine.

Kansas City over Cincinnati: Remember when that one return guy returned punts in the first four games three or so years ago? That was sweet. He had a long neck, as I recall. Not Merton Hanks long or anything, but longer than the national average. And he kept it on a swivel, too. That’s why he was so good.

Chicago over Green Bay: Picking a winner here is like picking which you’d rather have: A poop mustache, or a turd goatee. I’ll pick the turd goatee, Chicago. PS: Brett Favre retires after six games, all losses.

Dallas over Jacksonville: All T.O. does is catch touchdown passes. And suck.

Arizona over San Francisco: All Denny Green does is win. And eat.

Indianapolis over NY Giants: Eli Who-ning? Big brother bruises his throwing hand by repeatedly spanking his younger brother’s pasty white backside.

Minnesota over Washington: Coach Childress’s discipline-first organization takes its first confident step towards their world championship. Victory joy will be shortlived, however, as Fred Smoot and Dwight Smith are caught later that evening in a compromising situation down some dark back alley near the Capitol Building.

If I'm reading the schedule correctly, then I'm honored to handing be you your first loss, Nat Treas. (National Treasure? National Treason? Mattress?)