Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition (aka the save our magazine project)

This is a particularly exciteresting week because I'm taking on Timothy David Brown, professional code jockey. I'm going to take this opportunity to open up the rant floodgates a little. I think I'm going to take on the Black Egg personally due to the fact that he probably doesn't even read rants (see last week's no-show), he wears glasses ( a sign of weakness), he writes code for a living (another sign of weakness), he plays in a band (which is pretty hot), he is the most competitive person in the world.

I think it's only appropo to open things up with a little Corey Paus talk. For those who aren't familiar he was the star quarterback at Lincoln-Way High School. Let's just say Tim was on a first name basis with him. They even had their first Virginia Slims cigarette together. Corey wooed the college scouts and went on to play QB at UCLA. After a modest career he peaked at every child's dream job... practice squad QB for the Chicago Bears. Since he became a Bear he changed his name to Corey Paws, because it sounds more x-menish. The years flew by and the love between Tim and Corey grew. After countless games of LOTR Risk and Starcraft, the bond was complete and Corey was the best man in Tim's wedding. He got hammered and made a really embarassing best man speech about the time they went on a double date to see Air Bud and accidentally forgot which side their dates were sitting on and kissed each other. As the years went by Corey found it difficult to keep his pretigous job as a Bear's squad QB and opted for cyborg surgery. Black Egg even wrote the code for his infra-red eye logic, it has a special feature that automatically locates the check-down receiver. With Corey's new abitilies he and Egg formed a crime fighting duo, Egg fights using boomerangs shaped like N64 controllers. Legend has it that the duo is still intact today. It is said that when Egg is spotted on a sunny day the shadow below him is not his own, but that of Cyborg Unit Corey Paws.

4) LEONs over the 4skins. The skinnies have come the closest ever to prefecting invisibility as they have the most unremarkable team people can't remember. Make sense? Didn't think so.

After Egg, the second most competitive person in history is my little brother (codenamed Mr. Hat) at age 8. There came a time when Hat prefected his abilities at a great N64 game called NFL BLITZ. So fate would have it that Egg faced Hat in Blitz. On that day Mr. Hat mercilessly slaughtered Egg in that game and then ran up the score. So bewildered was Egg that he began a rigorous practice regiment to the song "eye of the tiger" by Survivor, in hopes to one day defeat the child. So it came to pass that Egg fixed fate to once again play the boy, and went on to defeat him. For the next few hours the Egg could be spotted with that cocky smile gloating to himself over the victory. I must admit that though I'm ranting, I think we all love him for that.

3) THE BELICHIX in cutoff jean shorts, a red flydanna (that's a bandanna with a flap for a mullet) and "Top Gun" sunglasses over the poopsicles

Hey Egg! I'm callin you out! Where are you? I guess you're much busy to read blogs. Pick up the phone... you're fired. If we were playing risk right now I know exactly what you'd do. You would load up armies and try to take Australia. How predictable, I think you'd lose to Ed Hochuli's bicep in Risk. Bring it!

2) PEYTON CULTS over chuckies buccies. This will be a game that's almost as much fun as arena football, nose hair trimmers, bye weeks, wnba preseason, michael vick breaking news, hair moles, and drinking Zima

Here's a random thought. How cool would it be to see the Egg get in an ebonics sound off against Stewart Scott. Better yet the Buffet. We've all seen Scotts clips where he pulls out his street slang. I don't know about you, but a black guy named Stewart as a street spewin gangster? I'm buyin it.

1) DA GRIESE BEARS over the run-it first farves. This game'll be more fun than a pizza buffet. I pick the bears not because i'm a bears homer, but because I'm so forward thinking that I only pick teams that have coaches with cool names like Lovie, Dungy or that still understand the value of the hooded sweatshirt.

Now my list of random:

Falcor, running sandels, Jeff Garcia, Kia cars, foot hair, baby carrots, Canada, Steve Martin movies, NBA dress code, TV chanels that advertise themselves (you're already watching), marching bands, people who think they're fooling the world with their comb-over, Rachael Nichols, trying to walk somewhere in America, Paperboy, Waluigi, sleeping on your stomach because you ran out of toilet paper and used paper towels instead

P.S. Much love Egg, even thought I'm about to dominate you. I'll compete with you at anytime. Bring it Warcraft III, I can't wait to uncover your base with the True Sight spell.